whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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