come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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