I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
where are my eyebrows?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
