New invention idea: vibrating tampons
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
