My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Holy sore nipples Batman
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
