so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Are we still banned from the library?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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