fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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