I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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