i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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