So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
