My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
