id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
