he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
