He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
