Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
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