I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
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After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
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He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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