I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!