i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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