Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
