i jhust puked up my retainher.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I love you. Go after that dick
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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