I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
