Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
this just has baby written all over it
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
