i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
