I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
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Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
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Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable