and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.