Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk