I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
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