I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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