i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
