Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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