wrigley field is MILF paradise
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
