Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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