That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
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OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
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It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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