he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
