worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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