moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i think i have two assholes
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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