I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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