ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
