Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
