she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
