i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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