You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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