she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
