Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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