I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
