I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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