So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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