Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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