I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
