Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
