I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
