First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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