sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
