in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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