chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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