I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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