Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His hands were made for my vagina.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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