On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
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if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
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It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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