Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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