when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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