This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
